When we’re angry, the instinctive response is often to vent. Whether it’s sending a rant to a close friend or firing off an angry message at a coworker, venting seems like a quick way to feel heard and, hopefully, alleviate the frustration. However, research suggests that venting, rather than helping, can actually make us feel angrier and more upset. So, what’s the better way to manage anger and talk about it constructively?
The Problem with Venting
Venting may seem like a healthy way to release anger, but according to a comprehensive study analyzing 154 different research studies, venting doesn’t actually reduce anger. In fact, it can sometimes intensify the emotion. Anger is a primal emotion—it’s fast, intense, and deeply connected to our survival instincts. As Frank Thewes, LCSW, an anger management therapist, explains, anger activates our body’s fight-or-flight system, triggering a physical response like increased heart rate and higher blood pressure.
This heightened state is what makes anger hard to shake off. When we vent, we often reinforce these physiological responses, feeding into the anger instead of calming down. The more we talk about what made us angry, the more we risk spiraling into rumination—reliving the incident over and over, which only prolongs the frustration.
Why Anger Is Hard to Let Go
Anger is often tied to a deeper emotional response. According to Daniel David, PhD, LCSW, anger is essentially a protective emotion that helps us defend ourselves when we feel hurt. However, when we’re in the grip of anger, our rational thinking becomes clouded. This is because the prefrontal cortex, the brain area responsible for logical thought, is overridden by the more primal emotional centers of the brain.
Understanding this emotional hijacking is crucial for managing anger. When angry, our bodies are in a heightened state of arousal, and the key to managing it is reducing that arousal before attempting to process or talk through the anger.
Effective Ways to Talk About Anger
Though venting isn’t effective, that doesn’t mean you should bottle up your feelings. The solution is to approach your anger thoughtfully and constructively. Here’s how:
1. Calm Your Body First
Before talking about your anger, it’s essential to lower your physiological arousal. Engage in activities like deep breathing, meditation, or going for a walk. This helps cool down your body’s fight-or-flight response, making it easier to think rationally about the situation.
2. Talk to the Right Person
Choosing the right person to talk to about your anger is crucial. Avoid people who will simply agree with you, as this can reinforce the anger. Instead, speak with someone who can offer a fresh perspective and constructive feedback. This will help you better understand your feelings and see the situation more clearly.
3. Dig Deeper into Why You’re Angry
Sometimes, anger points to a deeper emotional wound. Dr. David explains that anger often signals underlying pain—whether from a past trauma or a current hurt. Understanding the root cause of your anger can help you process it more effectively. By recognizing the emotional triggers behind your anger, you can begin to heal and move past the feeling.
4. Assess Whether the Issue is Solvable
Anger can sometimes be a motivator for change. If the source of your anger is something that can be addressed, such as an issue at work or in your personal life, channel that anger into a productive conversation. For example, if you’re upset about your company’s policies, use your feelings as a catalyst for proposing solutions. However, if the situation cannot be changed, practicing radical acceptance—accepting the situation as it is—may be the healthiest way forward.
5. Reframe the Situation
Reframing involves shifting your perspective to see the bigger picture. Dr. Bushman suggests stepping back and trying to view the situation with a new lens, possibly with the help of the person you’re talking to. Reframing can help you realize that, while the issue may have felt huge in the moment, it might not be as significant in the grand scheme of things. If it is indeed a serious issue, reframing helps you figure out what steps to take next.
Conclusion
Venting might seem like the go-to solution when you’re mad, but it’s important to recognize that it can actually amplify your anger. Instead of mindlessly venting, try calming yourself first and approaching the situation with a more reflective mindset. Talk to someone who can provide insight, reflect on why the situation triggered such an intense response, and think about what you can do about it. By processing your anger in a more productive way, you’ll likely feel much better in the long run.